Things are quickly going downhill
Tags: suicide end blog
Unfortunately, my life has not been going so well. I'm really dealing with some difficult times and I'm not sure if it'll get any better. I've come to the decision that I need to commit suicide. It may sound like an impulsive or spur-of-the-moment idea, but it's something I've thought about for a really long time. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm getting too old to be chasing impractical dreams and it's just gonna get more difficult from here. It sounds so unlike me, now that I write that out, but it's sadly true. All this believing in myself and working harder towards a better life has just been so exhausting, and external factors just keep making me feel more and more hopeless.
Yesterday, I threw out a bunch of my idea journals, sketchbooks, planners, and my vision binder from the past few years, in the trash. It was tough, but something about it felt right. I don't really feel a panicking despair, but more of a calm assurance. This isn't the first time I've contemplated ending my life, nor is it my first attempt. In the past, I was more just urgently trying to escape the present moment by any means. Now, I feel like I'm taking proactive measures to avoid future disappointment.
Why do I have to do this? Well, I just wanna say I'm tired. I'm tired and don't want to keep going like this. This is more than just not succeeding as an artist or not making a lot of money. It's mainly because the future is not looking bright, at all. Not for me, not for my family, not for the USA, not for the world, not for anyone. I'd rather get out of here while I still can. I don't have any kids, or any major responsibilities. I don't even have a job. The way humanity has been rapidly declining over the past 4-5 years (more like forever) is overwhelming. I'm not in a position to be able to freely pursue and chase dreams without feeling a deep sense of guilt and shame. I acknowledge the immensely privileged life I have had up until now, and I am grateful for all that I've experienced. Sadly, it's just not enough. I feel a lot of pressure now, at 25, to just give up and take on a more "serious" pursuit. Go back to college, get a degree, work a "real job", get married, have kids, etc. and forget about my "hobbies" (as my mom calls it). And I understand where it's coming from. Why be a starving artist in 2026, when theres social media, instant gratification, and AI bots designed to help get around that! It used to be fun and really felt like a viable path 10 years ago, when I was a teenager. Things were different. Now I'm just gonna have to face the music. I've failed myself.
I just wanna go for the record and say: I DON'T HATE MYSELF! I actually really love my life, I love who I've grown up to be, I love spending time alone, I love making art, making music, drawing, creating, imagining... and that's ultimately why I believe I can't continue living. It's just been a big delusion. I'd be lying to say that I still think I can do it, make a career as an artist but the outside world has gotten too loud and I can't shut it out any longer. I just feel a strong disdain for what the world is becoming.
So what does this mean for my art and planned future releases? Well, I'm currently sorting that out and thinking about how I can best publish my last works. I hope to create a massive compilation folder of all of my past works, organized by year, and put it up for download here on this site. I want to put together a whole final collection for all of my music, videos, artworks, content, etc, and make it all available. I'm still finishing up my last few tracks that I've started this year. Hopefully, my music and ideas will live on beyond me.