Finding redemption.

Jan 26, 2026

It's been a few days since I made my last post and I've had some time to think. Like I said before, I really don't want to kill myself. After wrestling with the thought for a while and giving myself some space, I don't fully feel a need to commit suicide anymore.

What actually got me out of that suicidal mood was a song my friend Lachlan had sent me. He's also an artist, who goes by the name Alick Mac. We were always good friends since high school and have grown to become good creative partners. He had sent me a song that he was working on, with the intention of getting my feedback. The track was just hitting so close to home that I felt compelled to open up to him about what I was going through. Soon after, we got on a FaceTime call and I was able to talk about the extremely difficult things going on. He listened and gave me some excellent insights and perspective.

While the pressures of society and my own personal issues are never gonna stop, I shouldn't be so tough on myself. I've never mentioned it but I do have MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) and it makes me very prone to these deeply suicidal moods. The thing that triggered me into this episode was the continuing struggle with securing a job, as well as my mom telling me to go back to school. I just know that I would rather die than go back to school. What a tremendous waste of time and money. I dropped out of college for a reason!

I was also consuming a lot of negative and distracting content on YouTube, lately. There is no shortage of videos being released everyday about the horrors and tragedies going on in the world. It started with watching videos from people in similar situations as me; Gen Z kids dealing with relatable struggles such as job hunting, finding love, and becoming independent. However, the algorithm began to promote things relating to current events such as President Trump's shenanigans, ICE killings, war in other countries, and other stuff. My curiosity lead me to go on these rabbit holes, from watching police body cam videos to social media dramas that didn't concern me. While I didn't immediately see it as a problem, I recently realized how negatively this has been affecting me. I've now decided to stop watching any YouTube entirely and will put some effective measures to block any undesired content from showing up.

So now that I'm feeling a bit better than last week, I'm trying to make up for what I lost. I've missed about a week's worth of daily gesture drawings, so now I'm catching up on that. This morning I went out and bought a new sketchbook, (since I threw my other one out) which felt extremely redeeming. I also have some scheduled medical check-ups coming up this week and I will bring up my recent suicidal experience in hopes of getting appropriate support. The medical treatment has definitely helped me in recovering, overall. I'm also trying to catch up on finishing a new song I started last week. I'm hoping to get the lyrics done by tomorrow and record it on Wednesday. Not only that, but I've also begun looking for jobs in the local arts community. Anything that would pay me decently and allow me to be around people/works that inspire my creativity would be perfect. I've looked at jobs listed in the Chicago Artists Coalition, Chicago Cultural Center, and potential residencies. Expanding my job search to better align with my creative goals is encouraging and help to make the hunt more bearable.

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